Social media and grief; Woulda, Coulda, Should Not Have...

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About 6 weeks after my brother had passed, I did something on social media I should never have done. I did something I would never have done under normal circumstances. Social media and grief do not mix. But, as many of you know, nothing is normal when you are in the depths of despair. You cannot even tell what's up or down.

At this point, I was wading through this thick veil of heartache. I was merely existing. I was waking every morning and going through the motions. It was a regular day during another week of endless weeks at this point. I opened Facebook, and the memories hit me. It was a picture of and my beautiful husband. It was him and I at a wedding the year prior.
It was a special wedding. It was a wedding of a cousin who I absolutely love and respect.

The Red Dress

The day was beautiful. My sons' team that I coached just won the championship! My husband and I arrived at the wedding date, but we were there. We wouldn't have missed this special day! I was wearing one of my most favorite dresses. It was a red fitted dress that fell just above the knee. As you will come to know, red is my signature color! I love it.

I felt great in this dress! I felt great standing next to my sexy husband! In the picture, you can see how I am literally glowing. You really do glow when you are happy. And I was happy at that moment.

A bit after that moment, I ran into a few cousins. I was excited to walk around and say my hellos to everyone. One of them greeted me with a very snide remark and asked, "Why would I ever wear a red dress to a wedding?" She also, in no uncertain terms, let me know how rude and inappropriate I was for wearing red. I tell her that I had never heard that before and promptly walked away.

Social Media and Grief 

I felt absolutely humiliated at that moment. My love high that I was on fell so quickly. All I wanted to do was leave. But, we stayed and enjoyed the rest of the evening as best as we could. So when this same photo I posted before running into my cousin came up a year later, all of those feelings came rushing back, and I was livid.

I felt all of those feelings on my very raw, exposed nerve endings. I was reeling and in tears. At that point, I was mad at myself for allowing someone to get the best of me. I was angry at her for saying anything. The adage "If you have nothing nice to say, then Shut the Fuck Up!" Swirled in my head.

At that point, I was fuming, so I did what I would never do... I posted my disgust on Facebook. I laid bare my thoughts and feelings, like an overzealous teenager in a fight with her parents. I used the quote "Sorry, Not Sorry!" I was mean and virulent.

And then came all of the comments... So many comments. Most defended me and concurred they, too, had never heard of the no red at weddings. Some even added articles where it says red shouldn't be worn. (Honestly, I was thankful for that! I am always open to learning. And now I knew red wasn't a color for a wedding.)

Then came the call from one of my best friends....Frenchy, you need to take that down! That is not coming from a place of light, and that is not you. Gulp...She was more right than she knew. Unfortunately for me, she called a bit later than I needed.

Damage Control

See, at this point, I had hurt some people's feelings. I hurt my dear cousins, whom, as I said previously, I love and respect. I also hurt my niece's feelings. The thought of who I could hurt with my hurt never crossed my mind. I was absent of empathy. I was in my own grief. And grief doesn't like to share.

I hurt people I genuinely love. I talked to my cousin later that day and apologized. I needed to. The hurt I posted that day was on their first anniversary. Even now, as I write... I am so saddened by my actions. I am embarrassed that I took that moment away and muddied it with something so small.

I have not talked to that niece again. That is one relationship that I truly hurt, and for that, I am sorry. She posted after I did in retaliation. I do not blame her in any way; she responded in kind to what I did. I do not know what the future holds; I leave that to the Universe to figure out. I do love her and wish for a union when she is ready.

In walks Grace

After that, I was blasted by some other people. Karma pays out very quickly at times. I again felt humiliated and shamed...This time all on my own accord.
I learned so much that day. I truly learned about Grace. The whole situation, although very hard, was a gift.

In my grief, I saw how it easily could spin out of control. I felt the raw pain but then clearly saw the pain I lent to others. I saw how quickly my energy could grow and manifest so soon. I had this post up for maybe an hour, and I was able to damage several relationships within that time.

I made a vow to myself that day that I would give others in this space of grief and loss, compassion and time. I would share a space with them and love them. I would seriously realize that no matter what, it's not about me at the end of the day. Hurt people hurt people.

Grief has many gifts 

At that point, I vowed only to post if I still felt the need 24hrs later. I decided that I couldn't make any big decisions for at least a year no matter what.

I learned a lot. Grace is what I try to imbue on others. I needed that during that day. I needed Grace. And, of course, I got it in Wendy (BFF). She called me and let me know to stop! She didn't talk about me or shame me. She just called and said, 'I love you, this isn't you.' It was that Grace that fed me that day.

I am grateful for that simple call. Grace is something we all need. I just pray that I can pay that back one day. Grief has many gifts. All you need do is look up above the fog sometimes. Your loved ones are speaking and are sending other Wendy's to help you!

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