Grieving an unborn baby and the gifts that followed.

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Grief comes in many different forms... Loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, the loss comes in various forms.

About 6 months after I had my beautiful baby, I got pregnant again. I was in complete shock, and so was my husband!

Of course, we know how it happened... We were excited and scared all at once. We had a baby and were ready to welcome another. Our entire family was elated.

I was exhausted and had a baby who was crawling around everywhere. This pregnancy was just different. I couldn't put my finger on it, it just was different, plus I was tired all the time. As the months started to fly by, Charlie (my child) was growing like a weed. Super inquisitive and ready to play all the time. As the baby in my very pregnant belly began to grow, I grew more and more exhausted.

Exhaustion

All of my appointments were normal. My body was growing as it should. The baby was right on schedule. The heartbeat was strong, and we were excited. We were talking about names and planning the new room. My exhaustion and lack of energy seemed like just a part of this pregnancy.

My husband was growing increasingly worried. I didn't have the capacity even to entertain what was going on. So I just kept going through the motions and telling my husband it was normal.

We hadn't quite decided if we wanted to know the sex yet. We were surprised the first time, should we be surprised now? So, we went with wanting to know. But, I was too tired and didn't have the energy to make the appointment. So I rescheduled.

I was feeling the typical flutters of the baby. And then one day, it just stopped! I couldn't feel the baby at all, and my exhaustion was at an extreme. I was so tired but, I knew I had to head into the doctor's office.

I arrived with my baby Charlie in tow, tired and worn out. I know the doctors were shocked by my gaunt, sallow appearance.

They pulled me right into the office. They pulled out the small sonogram they had in the office, looked for the baby, and placed the monitor on to hear the heartbeat. They heard nothing, and I don't even want to know what they saw. My husband made it to the office by then. Right in time for them to tell me, the baby had passed.

I was nearly six months pregnant. The baby inside me was dead, and I was exhausted, more than I had ever been. All I could do was cry. Not a quiet cry. A loud, from the gut scream. The doctors let me know my options. I could let it happen naturally or have a D&C. I went with a scheduled D&C for the next morning.

Devastation

I cried a lot... I was devastated. I was already in love with the life growing inside of me. At that point, I was good with my one healthy, strong baby. I did not want to go through the nightmare of losing a child ever again.

I left that hospital room knowing and feeling like I never wanted to get pregnant again. I was devastated. My husband was devastated, and he didn't know what to do to help me.

We were kids ourselves at that time. We were 25. In the last year, we had a baby. My husband lost a job and did a mad scramble to find another. We had to sell a house quickly and moved a couple of hours away. I was now a stay-at-home mom. And we just lost a beautiful life. Our life was turned upside down.

A place of solidity

What we found and the gifts that came...Were 'US'! We found strength. We found that we could lean on one another. We found that all we really needed was one another. We found a space in our marriage where we knew that we had each other no matter what. We both found a place of solidity. We were both safe and secure.

That safety led the way to me knowing that it was time to have a baby, to try again. It led the way to me feeling so safe and secure in my space. We knew we wanted a bigger family. We knew we wanted a sibling for Charlie.

When my husband came home that October day, I let him know it was time. Just like that...I missed my period a few weeks later, and we were pregnant. Then 9 months later, we ended up with our sweet Belle. Belle has been a complete joy from head to toe. I don't know who would have come before her, and that is ok. What we got has been life-changing.

We would rather have our baby, but that's not the choice. This is what we have. And with that, we count our blessings!

And on another note...I was devastated after I lost my baby. So it was our plan for my husband to have a vasectomy about 6 weeks after Belle was born. I didn't want to chance another miscarriage. So we waited until a healthy baby was born. My husband wanted to at least have sex once in the 9 weeks. So we were uber super careful, condoms, spermicide gel, gentle, etc... No matter what we did, we were pregnant again. And 9 months later, 10 1/2 months after Belle's birthday, we gave birth to Xander! We got a sweet boy who completes our family in more ways than I can say.

The gifts just kept on coming...

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